WORD PLAY

2012-01-19T08:18:00.001-08:00

2012-01-14T01:46:00.001-08:00

this is so stupidly hard without you

2011-12-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

i'm making sure i hit ALL the right beats by the end of this year. i'd been feeling pretty cruddy the last couple weeks and i literally got sick (bad, bad fever) of the feeling. the moment i knew i was better, i hit the ground running. it's been a good almost 48 hours since that moment and so far, i'm on a roll :p

2011-11-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

I'm so thankful for the few close friends I have. I miss this crazy guy!

2011-11-17T01:15:00.000-08:00

sometimes i look at our pictures and i just want to scream at you COME BACK! and i am so angry that you can't hear me.

2011-10-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

i am freaking out. i am freaking out under my skin. i am electric. i have so much control and no control fusing at the same time and i am freaking out.

2011-10-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

as i fill my agenda with more and more things, daily, i feel overwhelmed. but at the same time, i feel an incredible urge to give each thing more of myself. i don't want to be spread thin. i want to give everything my all. impossible, but it doesn't hurt to give it a shot.

i just hope i make something out of myself. anything, just anything!

2011-10-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

i guess money really does buy everything. i feel really sick to my stomach over this, and i'm tired of being treated like a lost cause.

2011-09-26T19:51:00.001-07:00

Dos corazones se hacen mas fuerte cuando tengan un lugar en donde peudan descansar juntos.

Hume?

2011-09-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

i often think about different realities. what i mean by that is: life is made up of 90% perception. did i just make that number up in my head? yes. but i figure, we use 10% of our brains, science, mathematics, and technology are constantly moving forward; the rest of it is, what...emotion evoked by perception...probably.

i often sit on the bus, or in class, or anywhere, and wonder if i'm living a life where i believe i am "normal." i am healthy, functioning, and for the most part i am socially aware. but what if i was at the same level as those we label "mentally disabled"? it's kind of a funny question, i know. but am i the only one who ever wonders this? what if i've had all these relationships with people in my life and from the outside looking in, people are just happy i can do things on my own? what if i AM that person on the street, talking to an invisible person i believe is real?

i'm laughing as i type this, but these thoughts are on my mind a lot. especially in social situations. i'm constantly trying to look at myself from the outside, in. maybe it's an unhealthy habit. but it's something i'm extremely curious about. none of us see ourselves the way others see us. i wish i could put on perspective goggles to understand. i want to know how the mind is working for the person i'm interacting with. i want to understand their actions and their reactions. because like i said, it's all perception.

i just want to gather thoughts. all of them. mine, yours, hers, theirs. it's like i put myself on surveillance...for myself. it's a weird concept. but hey, it's just a thought...

2011-09-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

last night, i dreamt that my family sent me back to London to go to school. i can't believe how much pressure i felt while dreaming.

being sick

2011-08-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

being sick reminds me of Virginia, and how i snagged Dallen Davies :) so i guess it's not alllll bad. i remember having the fake swine flu and being quarantined in my dorm room. i remember finally working up the courage to get a hold of him and make a funny request for a guitar. that's when our window exchanges started. our whole relationship started with that window. i miss pulling up the glass and searching for his blue eyes. what a beautiful life i've been able to live, seeing them :)

alejandro: a story from dallen

2011-07-11T07:46:00.001-07:00

alright, ana's dad is named alejandro.

we found alejandro knocking doors. we thought he was golden. he was a miracle because through him we found ana. but it was one of those packaged up little blessings that comes in a different wrapper then you thought. when we contacted alejandro, he told us that he had listened to the missionaries a lot and attended church a lot. we asked him if he was baptized and he said that he had gotten married to get baptized in our church, that is a miracle...just so you know, but then he said the week of his baptism they moved here and didn't actually do the ordinance. we were stoked, we had been praying to find some kind of tender mercy and we were sure it had come. after talking to him for a while, he confessed that when everything fell through where he was, he started smoking again, and drinking and he had basically been drinking ever since. I sensed something wrong in our conversation but, it started to make a lot more sense the more he talked...he was in bad shape.

We started to put goals with him and stop by to give him the support he needed and try to get him to come to church, he always found some excuse, but his daughter of 11 always came with us. She was always wating with a smile, her only set of clothes as clean as she could get them and her ragged backpack on her shoulder with the BOM inside, "i never forget the bible" she always says. She stole my heart, chiara. watch out ;) so, we stop by one day and alejandro is heartbroken because some guys tried to break into his house and steal his TV but they dropped it and broke it, so ana has nothing to do...nothing, all day in the cement box they call a house. ana answered our knock at the door the next day and said her dad had taken off earlier that day. i had brought my dvd player to watch the restoration video with them...not being able to teach her alone and seeing her in the door and over her shoulder the dark, dank, empty scene, i left her the dvd player. She had shown me a bunch of dvds that she had collected so i figured she could put it to work. she took it and was so excited. her exact translated words after jumping up and down and squeezing me, "don't you worry, i'll guard it with my life". we took off.

we come by the next day and alejandro comes to the door. first thing he says, "hey, did you guys give my daughter permission to use your...thing? "yes". he's tipsy. "well, i didn't let her touch it because i don't like messing with other people's stuff, here, take it back." "well, alejandro, can we watch the video we brought first and after we'll take it." "ok" we watched the video and then spent an hour explaining it all and getting after alejandro a little for not trying to achieve the goals we set.

after the lesson, i tell them both that i'm going to leave the dvd so that they can watch a movie as a family because ana was dying haha, her little face.

the next day we go by to get it, knock knock... out comes alejandro (drunk again). i say, "hey, alejandro we just came by to pick up the dvd. we didn't want to bug you. is it alright if we take it"

"yeah, no problem, just a second."

he goes inside and comes out with ana. he starts spouting of a story about how she just took it to the church and gave it to some mystery guy in a suit...it's tuesday. she just nods, not looking up, to everything he saids. i'm like, "no problem, we'll go look for it. can we come in for a second and say a prayer with you?" "yeah, no problem"

we go in and not only does he have a new tv, but a COMPUTER and a bottle of champagne sitting by his chair. i was a little pissed. i didn't say anything, but i took the bottle and threw it in the street. it shattered and his freaking champagne went everywhere. he just stared at me, glazed, and i gave him 50 pesos and told him to go buy some milk for his daughters. then we left. ana still comes to church with us and will be baptized this week. but i haven't gone back to see alejandro.

for some reason too, i had asked my mom, the week before to send me a new dvd player...i didn't know why? stuff happens. and we are guided. not that a dvd player was a necessity, but we all learned a lesson from that. God knows.

---Elder Davies

2011-07-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

"you give me premature ventricular contractions"

2011-07-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

i just taught the lesson for Sharing Time in Primary today. it was on temple ordinances. i focused on families being sealed in the temple. i haven't been in primary since i left it when i was 12... i don't have younger siblings... i was actually a little nervous when i got this calling. i was excited because i LOVE kids, but nervous about my teaching skills. today, i think i done good!

the kids were so attentive and seemed like they were having a good time. of course the other counselors said that they liked my lesson, but i mean... that's kind of what people say, ya know? either way, i guess i'm writing just because i'm happy and in love with a new thing.

i find something new to fall in love with every day. a new exercise routine, a new song, another movie, another book, new people, new experiences, intensive emotions, words. i just know that i'm alive. failures, flaws, alll of my shortcomings, whatever...i'm alive. being able to see, hear, and feel. being able to share these things with my family, friends, and neighbors. being able to teach these amazing kids...i'm totally in love. as long as i am blessed, i am in love. and as long as i am in love, i am blessed.

these are things that last forever.

nothing, not even the most powerful things of the world can change that.

2011-06-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

Things the Grandchildren Should Know Mark Oliver Everett

i've recently added this book to my list of favorite reads. it's a couple hundred pages; you can easily read this in one sitting. but the entire time, you will be invested in this beautifully written autobiography of a musical legend. mark oliver everett is the do-everything man for Eels: easily one of the best 90s rock bands founded right in my hometown. it's a tragic story, but one that sheds the most organic light on the triumphs of life. it's straightforward writing. it's just a guy telling you about his life. his stories go from his early childhood memories, to his first girlfriend, his broken home, the death, the drugs, the suicides, and into the success that is Eels....the music. i recommend this to anyone who likes a real, true-to-the-heart read.

hours later

2011-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

hours after punching out my last blog (days since the dream), i finally see its significance. i had to go back and read it for it to reveal itself to me.

i think what it means is that we go about our duties, our day-to-day trivial pursuits, and sometimes we lose sight of the plan Heavenly Father has for us. it is beautiful. like a masterpiece seen from far away. we just pick at the tiny things we think are wrong about ourselves... about our lives. but if we could just stand a little taller...or be uplifted by the things that make us happy or makes us better people (for me, that is Dallen), we can truly see the beauty of what our purpose is. if we trust in the Lord, he will lift us up and show us our rewards.

we just have to work.

we need to be steadfast.

we need to pass the tornado :b

we need to dance in the storms, and endure to the end. after every storm, life blooms. you have to see through april to get may's flowers. ya know, that sorta thing :)

i'll end on this note. the dream ended with D. it ended with me thanking him. but i know it is symbolic of all my friends. all the great influences in my life. you are all great examples to me. thank you for lifting me up and showing me that life is beautiful.

dreams (cont'd)

2011-06-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

in my last blog, i described what, to me, is a hilarious, nonsensical dream about a psycho father going berserk because of an overdue blockbuster vhs. the second dream i had, i shall call: La Destination

La Destination started off with me driving on the 95 to get to Frenchglen, Harney County, Oregon. i was going to see Dallen, of course. then, my cell phone rang. it was my best friend, Bree. she was asking where i was because apparently, i was going to meet her in Oregon (even though in real life, we live about 3 miles from each other). "where are you?" she asked. i looked out my left window to find a sign, anything to help me navigate my way, when suddenly i saw this ginormous tornado. this tornado was massive. it was bigger than anything i've ever seen in a cartoon, in an action movie, anything. "i'm by that giant tornado," i say indifferently.

"oh, okay then, i'll see you in a couple hours," she replies. a couple hours later (chronodreaming) i arrive at dallen's ranch. i park next to all the trucks lined up in the driveway. i walk into the house, and Bree is reclined on a lazy boy, watching tv. "where's dallen?" i ask. she gets up, "i have something to show you before you see him."

so we walk back out. over the front porch. we pass the pond in front of the house. we pass the garage, where dallen's little brother is fixing the motorcycles. we pass the Roaring Springs sign at the entrance of the ranch. that's when she hands me a backpack, and presses a button. the backpack suddenly shoots out a giant hot air balloon. it looks like an open parachute. "strap this on," she says. i do. slowly....thrillingly.... the hot air balloon i am strapped to starts to lift me off the ground.

i am floating over the entire ranch, and suddenly seeing tulips. tulips EVERYWHERE. i didn't see these tulips when i was walking around on the ground. i could only see them when i was up in the air. there were tulips covering every inch of the ranch. the house was completely engulfed in tulips. and suddenly, i spot dallen. standing on the ground, " do you like it?" he asks. i am ecstatic and can't wait to get down to hug him.

finally, i descend. "it was scary up there! but it was beautiful. thank you."

and then i woke up! all i could think was.... well...he would.

dreams

2011-06-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

so, i don't normally remember my dreams...for too long, at least. though this is the case, i'm still thinking about two of my dreams from a couple nights ago. one is hilarious, while the other is completely romantic. I'm going to break this up and tell you about the first one tonight, and the second one tomorrow.....

The first, i shall call: Block Busting

In Block Busting, I'd borrowed a movie from a friend. Now, knowing exactly which friend it was might make this especially hilarious to the few who know him, and yet, I will keep that information confidential and I shall call him... Fritz. So, Fritz was borrowing a movie from Blockbuster, and I was at his house and apparently showed much enthusiasm for the film, so he let me borrow it.

Specifically, in my dream, I was hanging out with my friend Caresse (no name alteration needed), at which point I turned to her and said, "Hey, I've been holding onto Fritz's movie for a while. I should return it." So, we get into Caresse's car and drive to Fritz's ritzy gated apartment complex.

Sidenote: In this dream, the setting was definitely in New York City. BUT, all the street names had L.A. street names: Los Feliz, Vermont, Griffith Park, Franklin, etc.

Anyway, so we get to the apartment and Caresse stays in the car. As I'm walking away, she yells "Hurry up! I need to get to work!" So I run, get to Fritz's door, and knock. His father opens. "Hi, Mr Fritz's dad, I'm Chiara, I'm returning this movie to Fritz." The funny part of this is that it was a VHS......set in 2011, don't worry. But a VHS. I borrowed a VHS from a guy who borrow a VHS from Blockbuster.

"Ah, I know...he told me about you," Fritz's dad says in a very misplaced, terrifying, and creepy country drawl. Shaking, I handed the video over to him and stood there, petrified. For some reason, there was a scanning machine attached to their door, so he says to me, "I'm going to scan this here barcode." In my dream, the date was June 21, 2011. The video was due on June 4, 2011. Knowing this, I was afraid Fritz's dad was going to kill me for returning the video late. So as soon as he scanned it, I ran like hell.

Good thing I did, because he ran after me! I ran outside the gates....Caresse left me because well I guess I took too long and she had to get to work, so I ran all over the streets, hid behind dumpsters, ran into stores, everywhere.

Then I woke up for the first time that night, laughing.

2011-06-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

i have a beautiful friend. she is lost. though i know she is strong, she is giving up on herself. i want her to know that she is a blessing. i, too, have felt lost lately. i have grazed against all the grain. done things i've fought against. said things i didn't mean. but as the saying goes, "there is beauty in the breakdown." from destruction, comes construction, and from there, we can build upon a more firm foundation. i have spent some recent nights wracking my brain over the heartache my friend is feeling, and relating it to my own. i know exactly what i want to tell her, and i do just that. i realize these are things i should also be telling myself. no one ever takes their own advice. tonight, i pledge to set this in motion.

there are people i care about. i want the world for them because i think the world of them. for the last 10 months, i've lost the ways of showing this. i've boarded myself up and cast away valuable things in attempt to salvage what is most precious to me. in other words, i lost the essence of what i was trying to save -- and that is love. i had this love lockdown mentality. i would protect it to the end. but in reality, i had been losing myself. and what does one give if they're not of whole quintessence?

i feel human again. i feel like myself again. i feel that loyalty towards not only others, but to myself strengthening again. i just needed time to find my grip. and now, i've found my ground. i hope i can be that person for my friends. i hope i can keep them from treading the water. i hope i can lift them up. this life would be as good as gone if it wasn't for the people in it. if there was no one to serve, then there would be nothing for me to believe in.

but there is love. unconditional love. and there is serving. and there is God.

2011-06-13T23:52:00.001-07:00

"cuando venga el fin del mundo, hay una estrella que no caerà. porque yo voy a tenerlo en mis manos, y yo no puedo permitirla a ella caer. ella es mi vaquita de san antonio. y la amo...con todo que tengo. " <3

indifferent letters

2011-06-13T03:53:00.001-07:00

this is a poem i wrote almost exactly two years ago. enjoy.

Now what do you write about when you're all out of love

And the only person you made love with, was full of it

And in the fall out, you heard them yell

This is it, this is the bottom of the barrel.

What do you say when you're glad you're not mad

Being madly in love is the worst kind of sad

You give yourself away and piece by piece you fade.

I know what I'll do

Indifferent letters to you

Short of love, short of hate

Not ecstatic, not irate

Short and simple will have to do

Here are my indifferent letters to you.

2011-06-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

all these tears are,
our songs without words
and bellow deep in the hurts
and crack of every dawn
that i play them.

hurry to
the foul of my sharpened blues,
they crawl beneath the space of your door
somewhere in the colored grotto.

clad in fancy, empty pockets,
dig far enough to find a diminutive
Me, screaming to 'pour me out!'

there isn't enough room for you
in le creole bleu saloon.

2011-06-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

i don't know who to talk to. i know who i want to talk to, but i don't know that it will help me at all. i need my friends. i need time to go by faster. i need my brother to come back and keep me on track. why can't i do this for myself? i lose confidence. i forget that i won't be alone all the time, that one day it will all come together and i'll say that time flew.

as of current, i feel every minute that goes by. i am desperate to talk to someone who won't be hurt by what i actually have to say. someone who won't break down with me and say "me, too." i am trapped.

i feel trapped.

bombast and satire

2011-06-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

i'm working on a research paper. all i have to do is read critical reviews on a poem i've chosen and regurgitate them into my paper. i don't need a thesis. i don't need an intro. i don't need a conclusion. i don't need to bullshit my way through a 90% faux 10% fluff paper.

nope, my teacher isn't stupid and he doesn't pretend his students are, either. so in reading these reviews, i find it hard to synthesize what the critics are saying, when all i want to do is critique their writing. it's horrible.

education favors verbiage, but it's never fulfilling. learn how to write the real stuff FORLIKEFORREAL.

2011-05-30T22:05:00.001-07:00

maybe i want to be a music journalist. did you ever think of that? huh? no? me either, until now. but now that i have, i feel quite stupid, for it is only the perfect fit for me. what a fool i've been.

if

2011-05-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

this has always been my favorite poem. i know it's from a man, to his son, but it gives me strength.

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

2011-05-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

my brother took this picture. i was 14 years old. i don't remember having this photo taken. but i remember that day vividly. the only reason i do is because that paper right there is a letter from my first boyfriend. i had my first kiss that day. and the man with the pink mohawk behind me, there? that's daniel. he grilled me that day, too. he was giving me one of hundreds of lectures on "boys and men" and at first, i denied having even had my first kiss at all. i guess i turned really red and couldn't stop smiling, so i eventually gave in.

it's cute to remember the messy magnifications of those fine, first feelings. i would never go back, though. i had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.

and don't i miss him. hell yes. i really do.

darling, shouldn't i be the one?

2011-05-19T00:21:00.000-07:00

i figured myself out. i figured out all my distress. i figured out that i can't be alone at nighttime. i surely cannot.

every monday

2011-05-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

every monday, i feel like i start my week on the wrong foot. yeah, everybody has a case of the mondays: unable to accept the end of their weekend, unable to wake up for work, unable to anything. but it's not that for me. it's that i am very anxious to read dallen's email for the week. sometimes it's deep, sometimes it's comical. but it's never long-winded (understandably). it's not the length that gets me either.

it's that something very very very very deep down...hurts. it is confused, it is struggling, it is trying, it is sorry. it says "baby, i'm sorry" and "baby, where are you?" it counts down and looks forward. it thinks back and looks up.

there's an unfathomable determination. unfathomable pain. it's the longing to simplify, but simplifying is impossible. there are other undeniable feelings. they are present. they are here.

his handwritten letters have been coming again, and these are the things that are filled with emotion, poetry, dreams, and all the things i ever wanted to hear and read. but the week goes on. tuesday, wednesday, thursday....

but mondays. every monday. i am quiet, absent-minded, irritable, and i reach for repose.

2011-05-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

My Lolo (Grandpa) Doria. What a guy.

happy

2011-05-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

but curious. these emails kind of frustrate me. they make me want more. they are always so brief and vague, and i always have to wait another week for him to come back and explain what he meant. what is he really thinking out there? i miss knowing all the little things. i have to piece things together without any detail and the thought of being wrong is really scary. i can't dwell on this, though, because i've been really happy. it's in small moments that i feel like i have no grasp and i am going to break down. i do this randomly. while i'm driving, the seconds before i fall asleep, on the bus, sometimes in class, sometimes when i'm with others. i just cry. or if i'm in public, i bite my tongue until it hurts. i breathe as slowly as i can. i stop whatever i'm doing and just listen. listen to that little warrior in my head that tells me that it's not the time nor place. even alone, it is not the time nor the place. i know i'm stronger than this, and i've gone through the worst part.

virginia

2011-05-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

yeah, another blog about virginia. it's just a good place. to end mothers day, i've been looking through my pictures from this wonderful place. there are a lot of pictures of mom when she came to visit. this makes me happy. i was in a very confused and heartsick place when i first arrived. her visit meant more to me than anything. i vividly remember the happiness and also heartache that came from her visit. i missed home more after she left. but looking at these pictures, all i can do is smile

hmmmm

2011-05-04T14:56:00.001-07:00

i wish i was eloquent.

heart like mine

2011-05-03T09:09:00.001-07:00

it's happening

2011-05-02T00:17:00.000-07:00

it's that time, again. time for that overwhelming feeling that so much is happening, i never want to sleep. this happened at exactly the same time last year. my brother, elijah, was leaving for korea, dallen got his mission call that same week, letting us know that we had 4 more months together before he would be leaving on his own mission. you know what i did? i really didn't sleep. well, okay, i slept a whopping 2-3 hours a night from april-september. i never wanted to miss a minute. even when dallen was up in oregon and i was down here in california, i just had to be awake. just in case. in case he called. when he woke up at 4am every morning to get to work on the ranch. just in case those nightmares he kept having would come back and he would call me just to talk until he felt better. i had to be awake. i couldn't miss a moment with or without dallen. whether i was next to him or not, i couldn't miss life. it was happening. i couldn't sleep through it. then there was all the traveling, mom breaking her foot, the extemporaneous trip to new jersey and new york, the sloppiness, the heartache.

well, it's another pivotal year (as every one is) SO i just have to document that my brother, james, got accepted in Columbia University this week. he and my sister-in-law (the best sister in law out there) are moving to new york in august. yet another summer spent saying goodbye. it will never change. that's how life is. so yet again, i have that feeling of not wanting to sleep because if i blink, i might miss all the time i have with this part of my family.

also, i have one more semester left at my community college and the question of whether i'm heading up north or not has been on my mind hourly. will he come back to me. will he not. he's the reason i want to go to school further up california. i don't tell many people this. i give them other reasons for my wanting to move up there. that's beside the point. i've had many dreams about dallen since what feels like the beginning of time. but last night, for the first time in these last couple years, i dreamt that he was holding someone else. in my dream, i was at a football game. i saw him from afar and was so happy, i hurried down the bleachers to grab his hand. and when i looked down, i saw that his hand was already preoccupied. i looked back up and was shocked that i didn't notice he was with someone else. i actually knew the person in my dream, but i won't name names and she's actually pretty irrelevant. but. i can't describe the confusion i felt waking up.

regardless, i woke up happy and excited to start my day. i digress. i just wonder all the time. about everything. and whether i'm having a productive day or not, i never never never feel like there's enough time in the day. and yet. i need to stay awake for it.

anyway, i get to hear elijah's voice this sunday. he gets to call home twice a year: on christmas and mothers day. so there's that. i'm very excited to hear from him. i'm so grateful for my family. i've truly been blessed.

i'll quit my rambling. it's time to face this week with some full-on vigor. ready?

2011-04-30T21:57:00.001-07:00

i love you

2011-04-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

i want this. but with tulips :)

for the first time in a while, i noticed the "i love you" balloon on my corkboard. i forget that it's there sometimes and that almost hurts me, as pathetic as it sounds. well, i noticed it today. it popped out at me.

perpetua tua

"perpetua tua" like our star in the sky
that you bought for my eyes
like the wrong constellation
right in every way
under my own impression
named after our time together
and to whom it belongs

building kick

2011-04-28T05:08:00.000-07:00

i need to be somewhere mmm not city. okay, i really need some country. i need back roads that look the same no matter how long you've been driving down 'em. i need bad pop music to sing along with while i'm at it. windows-down kind of driving. i miss my friends. i really do. i try not to let it take its toll on me, but i catch myself talking about them a lot. i need them.

i need a place that makes me feel like i don't need to constantly check the time. where the days go by slower, but in the best way. i kind of miss not doing anything and having more time than i even wanted, just to read and actually absorb myself in my work. i don't like feeling merely obligated to do something. feeling motivated is much more satisfying.

kind of reminiscent of the day i came home from virginia two decembers ago. "too many buildings here.....BUILDING KICK!"

idunevencare

2011-04-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

i don't care that i'm up doing homework. or that i have a couple more hours to go. at least. PLUS more reading. because i thoroughly enjoy doing these listening journals for History of Rock. i don't even care that i waited until the night before they're due to write concise reports on these 43 songs that i've heard all my life. it renews my appreciation and feels like the first time....every time. ahh yeah. burning the midnight oil

i was like baby, baby, baby

2011-04-25T10:11:00.001-07:00

2011-04-23T15:21:00.001-07:00

what can i do when i'm not through with you

des mots

2011-04-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

"...the only fear I have had with you is the great possibility that I won't be able to lift you as high as your next guy...but I'll find a ladder, rent the Air Force 1, or rebuild Columbia to help reassure you that I will do whatever it takes."

this put the biggest smile on my face. this is Dallen in a nutshell. and i haven't had Dallen in a nutshell in the longest time. i miss the fellow.

EXPIRATION

2011-04-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

just to remind me how long it has been since i've been on an airplane or traveling, period. US Airways sent me a letter thanking me for being a member and notifying me that....

MY MILES WILL EXPIRE ON MAY 20, 2011

roar. rooooar. so i'm thinkin...sweet! i'll fly to ohio. or virginia for everyone's graduation. or boise. or portland. just anywhere. but nope. it gives me two options for saving my miles

1) earn more by traveling more. with cost

2) redeem my miles by ordering magazines at no cost. magazines.

....fuck magazines. i want to get out of here.

une idée

2011-04-19T00:54:00.000-07:00

"Life is what happens while you are making other plans." - John Lennon

i can't count how many times i've happened upon this quote. i feel like many other people have "coined" this little bit of inspiration, but i just happened to read it, as cited by a Rock Music Styles textbook. this thought has actually been on the forefront of my noggin - a kind of theme for the brain this week. now that i've stumbled upon it, again, i can only smile. another night of feeling just a little better :)

i should be much too smart for this

2011-04-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

i love to see the temple

2011-04-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

i'm going there someday

to feel the Holy Spirit

to listen and to pray ♥

i remember singing that song all the time as a primary kid. well, i went to visit the LA temple today. i haven't been since last summer with Dallen (while they were doing construction in the visitor's center.) coincidentally, when we went to the san diego temple together, construction was being done there, as well. we got the picture :b

it was really nice to walk the grounds with my mom. she is childlike when we go to the temple. it soothes the soul :) and i've got to say that i couldn't hold back the smiles when i thought about how she is a worthy temple recommend holder and that she will be with me when i am sealed to my husband someday. it breaks my heart, sometimes, thinking about how my dad brought our whole family into the gospel, when he was the first to get baptized, over 20 years ago, but that he more likely than not, will not be in the temple with me. but, i know there's time and hope, and that our family will still be forever.

perpetua tua

2011-04-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

with surrounding events and recent celebrations, i've become more and more aware that there will be no anniversary to celebrate this year. it doesn't set right with me, but i guess we're both where we are for a reason. i don't need a counter on our relationship. i know where my heart is at all times.

i know there will be many more years to follow, and a lot of happiness just from the thought of spending them with him. but for the time being, nothing ever feels quite as complete as it once was.

i've been trying to answer my foolish questions in my dreams: will i find his hand as easily as i once did? will he still wake with every toss or turn i make in my sleep? will he worry as much as he used to?

thoughts of the future leave me transfixed and almost unable to function in the present, but i know some day we'll be able to enjoy what we've both been building since day one. together, we'll be able to take care of those we love...

little light

2011-04-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

there's a light
that no one can take from you
there's a flame
that burns with honesty and truth

i've seen you flicker and dance with the wind
i've found your freedom and brightness within
if you burn out now, i'd be so lost without you, without you

i want you to glow
i need you to shine
i've been your light
now could you be mine?
illuminate the dark so i can see
don't you hide your little light from me
please don't hide your little light from me

your melted wax
has left you feeling incomplete
you were a lamp
that caught me walking down your street

i've seen you flicker and dance with the wind
i've found your freedom and brightness within
if you burn out now, i'd be so lost without you, without you

...because i love when you glow, i need you to shine
i've been your light, now could you be mine?
and become what you were always meant to be
don't you hide your little light from me,
please don't hide your little light from me.

it's time to tell you that i love you

2011-04-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

Dallen was all about this General Conference talk. it's all he wrote about in his last email :) the clock idea is my favorite ♥

Extraordinary Machine

2011-04-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

For years, I longed for a sewing machine. Not the old one my mom carried from Utah in the 80's and who knows how much older. I wanted my own. I wanted to make my own clothes and design new ones. Well I haven't the slightest clue how to sew....not well. I can make PJs and sleeping bags and pillows and whatever. But I am far from possessing the dexterity to create my own dresses, and be happy with the result.

Christmas of 2009, my brothers bought me a brand new sewing machine for Christmas, and after all that longing and hunger, have I done anything with it? No. I have thought about my machine all week.

I also have yet to paint my room. I've had the paint for over a year, and I've been waiting until after I painted it, to add a sewing table to my room. Without this, my motivation to get started doesn't exist, so my machine sits quietly in a closet :(

2011-04-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

Narrator: My question is, how does Eve figure in all this?

Ishamel: Her name [means] what?

Narrator: According to the notes, it means life

Ishmael: Not woman?

Narrarator: No, not according to the notes

Ishmael: With this name, the authors of the story have made it clear that Adam's temptation wasn't sex or uxoriousness. Adam was tempted by life.

Life is Service

2011-04-11T04:36:00.000-07:00

This is one of the photos I took when I first arrived at SVU. I thought back to this plaque, posted on the brick column at the entrance of the campus. It says a lot about the school. It's not one of those things the school just puts up and everyone forgets is there. I think that's one of my favorite things about SVU. Everyone noticed everything, and everyone really contributed to the mission of the university. There was even a mandatory course called Becoming Leader-Servant, where I was able to hear so many inspirational leaders, with hearts to serve, speak.

Getting back to the plaque. My brother wrote an email to the family last night. At the end of it, he decided to compliment every member of our immediate family. When he addressed me, he said:

" Issa: You have a forgiving heart. Your capacity to love others outweighs any other attribute you have. This will turn in a willingness to serve. "

It hit home for me. I've been told things similar to this all my life, and I never knew whether to take them as compliments or insults. "You are so forgiving, but hardly forgetful," "You love too much for your own good," or the one that my mom signs every birthday card with, "You wear your heart above your head."

These things may or may not be true. I guess it depends. They may have contributed to a lot of the mistakes and pain I've gone through, but I don't care much about that. What my brother said really helps me to refocus my energies and "Learn that life is service." I don't know how helpful I've ever been to others, but I do feel happier when I serve, and I think I need to reevaluate my day-to-day priorities. My general priorities, though, will always remain crowned with my family. And all thanks to a simple thing my brother said, I am able to take this, and fly with it.

♡

Tearing this Place Apart

2011-04-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

i can't find my "Love Me if You Dare" dvd. the only way this is possible is if i lent it to someone :/ i crave to watch my favorite movie!

No Air

2011-04-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Caresse and I were majorly hooked up at ihop tonight. Edmundo really did us a solid. i think i shall study there more often than starbucks.

So, I stopped studying for Anthro. I got distracted by some very exciting news, and Caresse is "hacking away" at her English assignment. not. but i know she can do this.

Jordin Sparks has your back, Caresse.

Spring Break

2011-04-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

i can't wait. spring break is typically a time for rowdy upheaval or some sweet, peaceful counterpart. i am opting for some R&R and for weeks, I've been saying that i'm switching gears and getting ahead. well, emotions have the best of me and i've let them consume me so much, that i've become tired and uninspired. all my energy has gone to resisting the forces.

a week from now, i will be referring back to my list of things to do before Dallen gets home...alongside doing ALL my coursework for the rest of the semester. so what will be left are exams and extra credit. i am determined to get that mother load DONE. mark my words.

that is my first priority. then, hopefully, time won't fly so that i can tackle this list in my journal. i have checked off quite a few things, to my surprise. but i have a lot left to do, and though my attitude should be "glass half full," i am going to go ahead and say it's completely empty. that's motivation enough for me to kick myself and say "hey! move your ass!"

i'm also antsy to get back to the public library. i need my reading fix. away from the textbooks. i need to get back to "eating the dinosaur" by chuck klosterman, which i read in a jiff this winter, with only half my attention span. then i need to get "smartass: the music journalism of joel selvin." i missed the book signing for it, but i'll still get my hands on it.

welp.

i am not a world class chef, yet. i've actually been mmm NOT cooking. i have 16 months to master this. that's just one of about three dozen things i need to master on this list of things to do... as for now? i just had myself a cup a'joe at midnight. the disgusting kind that actually has effect on me. time for me to school my schoolwork....well...you know what i mean. let's get to work

what is it

2011-04-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

the sixth time in a month that i've woken up crying?

i'm starting to get worried. i should look into this.

eye on the prize

2011-04-02T15:03:00.001-07:00

i'm done treading the water; i'm ready to walk on it

night

2011-02-23T00:44:00.000-08:00

i always, always, always have to grab my laptop just ONE more time before i go to bed. internet obsession? no. it's just... no matter how tired i am every night, i seem to lie awake for at least an hour. just thinking. about everything. and then i get paranoid. and then i wonder about things. and then i formulate questions. and then i know i definitely cannot sleep until my question is answered. so, while in the dark, i quickly feel around for my laptop, open it up, and do my search. until i feel somewhat satisfied. until i feel my question is somewhat answered. then i go back to bed.

it can be the dumbest things: what does this word mean? how many credits do i need for this? how far is this place from this place? what time is it in this country? what did that message she sent me say, again? what day is that appointment? etc etc

and so i leave my unfinished blog.

mois six

2011-02-07T02:08:00.000-08:00

apres le mots que j'ai entendu aujourd'hui,
je besoin d'avale mon coeur.

désolé, ma douce. c'est leur mots, pas le votre.

2011-02-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

today, dallen hit his 6-month mark. he's really grown into his own out there. he loves it and doesn't want to come home. though i love and miss him a lot, i have also become more comfortable with the arrangement and content with where we both are. 18 months to go :) we got this!

already

2011-01-08T01:42:00.000-08:00

putting together my Valentine's Day package. just so it can make it to Dallen on time. i bought a bunch of candy and things i know he likes. i'm waiting for a couple other things i ordered online.

right now, i'm in the middle of my finishing touch. the cherry on top of his care package. i'm writing a list of "what i like about you!" i'm on #48. and then... i started singing Ne-Yo in my head. unintentionally. then i realized what i was doing. i am writing a list just like in Ne-Yo's song. now i feel lame as balls.

570

2011-01-08T00:35:00.001-08:00

i miss when he would walk me to class

sneakers

2011-01-06T02:15:00.000-08:00

i don't even like wearing sneakers, usually. i prefer heels, and would wear them a lot more, if they were appropriate. which most of the time, they aren't.

but i have a pair of sneakers that my brother gave to me me a couple years ago. they've been everywhere. they've

hiked point lobos in monterey
hiked griffith park in los angeles
hiked eaton canyon in pasadena
hiked around indian rock and panther falls in virginia
stood at the peaks and valleys of steens mountain in oregon
touched the smurf turf in boise, idaho
wandered virginia and new york
los angeles and san francisco
rain, shine, wind, even snow
they've gone fishin'
and camping
they've pushed the gas on a motorcycle
and of course my car
they've been in and out of several airports
and still have a long ways to go

i looked at them today, and thought about all these things at the blink of an eye.

2010

2010-12-31T02:57:00.000-08:00

this has been an amazing year for me. i've been able to do a lot of things, learn a lot of things, all the usual things life brings.

i just wish so much that i could spend this NY with Dallen, reflecting on how much we've taught each other and to show him how much i appreciate all the memories he's given me. as i approach 2011, a year that will be spent entirely without a Dallen, i kind of have a sinking feeling. but i know everything always works out and that life goes on and we'll make it through, with each other at the end of the journey.

so am i ready for 2011? yes. i am ready to zip through it and get to August 2012 ;)

The Missionary's Girl by Dan Valentine

2010-12-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

Somewhere between the whirl of teen-age dates and the responsibility of matrimony, we find a lone creature called the Missionary's Girl.

They come in two varieties... engaged and hopefuls. They come in assorted sizes, weights, and colors, blue being the most common.

The missionary's girl is found at home, missing parties (Just the parties that have overzealous RM's), staying away from dances (too depressing without ??? there), paying her own way to the movies, and buying stationary by the gross.

Missionaries love them, young girls look up to them, parents tolerate them, postmen hate them, and weekly letters support them.

A missionary's girl is a composite. She has the appetite of a hormonally unstable 18-year-old girl, the enthusiasm of a wet noodle, the patience of Job, the persistence of a stainless steel salesman and the imagination of Scherazade.

She likes letters from the mission field, invitations to his home, long distance telephone calls, items for his scrapbook, pictures of him, and other girls who are waiting (I LOVE my MGs!).

She isn't much for Saturday nights out on the town ; people who say, "Two years is a long time"; or “Don’t waste your time” or the classic “ so much can happen in two years” , new clothes with no one to wear them for; sad movies and music; movies with love scenes; knitting; wedding receptions; little sisters who date; calenders; and "Dear Janes."
A missionary's girl is an odd object: She can get lonesome, discouraged, and temporarily lose faith in the whole missionary system. No one else can write such cheerful letters in such a rotten mood. No one else can get such a thrill at the end of the day by the words, "Why yes, there is a letter for you." Nobody else is so early to bed and so early to rise.(More like....Nobody else is capable of writing such competent, lengthy, and entertaining letters in the wee hours of the morning.)
A missionary's girl is virtue with no chance to be otherwise, faith with twenty-four months to wait, prudence with 69 cents in her savings account, and beauty with no one to give a darn.

Yes, she is all this, but it will all be forgotten the day he receives his letter of release and, upon his arrival home she will probably utter the words she once considered trite, "It hasn't seemed like any time at all!"
~ Dan Valentine

at times

2010-12-02T19:02:00.001-08:00

i feel really weak against 6,224 miles. anyone ever walk that?

windex

2010-11-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

clarity.

i've been experiencing some physical pain these last few days. numerous things. and the holidays have added some weight to that, too. i'm happy to finally be home for these things, and not overseas or across the country. but now that i'm here, there are people who should be here with me, and they are the ones who are away. my thoughts are consumed by this.

so i've been too cold, too sore, too reluctant to move and start my homework. just half an hour ago, i pushed myself to start organizing. i organize a lot. but i've put it off for the week. it's making me feel a LOT better. i'm singing sad songs in my head, but i'm lightening my burdens as i keep myself busy.

one of the old ladies at work knows that i do this whenever i'm bored. organize, i mean. whenever things get slow at work, and she happens to walk by, she'll always say in her motherly tone, "you're cleaning, again!" she's sweet. the other day, we talked about women and menopause. that's beside the point.

i'm merely writing to add to this stretch of relief i'm feeling.to whomever reads this: you have a good week now!

2010-11-28T01:23:00.001-08:00

my heart is breaking so much every day.

tomato bisque

2010-11-11T01:53:00.000-08:00

i've been to fast-food places and eaten alone. i've picked up on-the-go food during my breaks at work and eaten alone. i'd never been to a sit-down restaurant, been seated at a booth for four, and waited on...alone.

until tonight! yep, that is what my blog is about. my first solo restaurant meal. europeans would laugh at me.

i got out of school, three hours before i was scheduled to go into work. i decided to head straight to the vicinity, grab something to eat, and window shop. before clocking in. i stepped off the bus and began my debate. "where should i eat? should i just grab the fourth pretzel of the week at the kiosk? should i sit down at in-n-out?" i was leaning toward the latter idea. but this night, it was chilly out. i was freezing. it was already dark out. fluorescent lighting and air conditioning didn't seem appealing to me.

i looked up and saw the patio for Granville. i made my decision.

out of all the times i'd been to granville, i'd never tried the garlic tomato bisque soup. so that's what i did! it was muy delicioso. i had myself a couple cups of coffee and watched the food network. i watched the bartender serve drinks during happy hour. i saw that i was the only person who came to granville alone, who wasn't sitting at the bar.

i paid a check for one person and a half -- all for myself, including a nice tip. that was a simple, strange, relaxing moment. and if THAT is blog-worthy, that gives you an idea of how stressed i am.

"oneness with all life" by eckhart tolle

2010-11-08T23:41:00.000-08:00

1. Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.

2. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but you thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.

3. See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.

4. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time-a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago-yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.

5. Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one mis-perception, creates a world of suffering.

6. People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.

7. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.

8. Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes-while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.

9. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.

10. If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace

WARNING! a mere rant...

2010-11-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

there will be many wars. many natural disasters. many false idols. much corruption. much suffering.

these are all signs that we've been taught since we were little. this was taught to the generations before us. but is so prevalent to the state of our world today, that i sometimes tremble at the thought.

we sometimes get so desensitized because these things seem permanent. like disruptions are normal. like fighting is breathing. like suffering is inevitable and hopeless.

radio, television. they send waves, almost like microwaves to our brain. it is unseen, but it is damaging. it makes me second guess why my agenda is the way it is, on a daily basis. that is without exaggeration. why aren't i out there fighting the real battle? why am i only auto-piloting the short-term battle?

check

2010-11-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

there's something about a check mark that i really like. when looking through graded assignments, a check mark is a good sign. a check PLUS √+ is even better. when using photoshop, the X means "don't do it" and the √ means "yes, go ahead, let's do it!" in yes or no questions, the check mark means you're correct. a "yes" gives you freedom and options.

i keep a checklist in my agenda quite religiously. whether the task is small or large, being able to check it off my list... means everything is gravy. 98% of the time, i am able to check everything off. i allow myself until the end of the week (in other words, until i have to turn the page in my agenda for the new week) to make up for any things on my list that i wasn't able to check off right away. if sunday night rolls around and my agenda-page-turning must be done, whatever is left is marked with a nice X next to it. now, i either move this task to the next week, or i just drop it entirely. i miss my chance to do it.

i might be obsessive. but it gets things done.

absolutely unnecessary ranting about check marks via blog? CHECK √

to blog or not to blog

2010-11-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

i haven't updated this in a while. nor have i written in my journal in a while. as of late, my letters to dallen have been sufficient. it may be that way for a while longer.

2010-10-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

"Lay up not for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

- Matthew 6:19-21

one of Dallen's last letters sent me on a scripture chase...

2010-10-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

considering my last entry, this might be a little extensive, but.

i find that i can't listen to allll the same songs. some put me in a mood. well, not a mood. but they trigger all the sentimental parts of me. i start to remember weather. feelings of the fall or the winter or the rain. my senses heighten. the scent of leaves. of the mountains. of virginia. when it was cold. when i was warm. they aren't particularly good songs or ones that were significant at the time. but my mind remembers hearing them in the shade of these moments. i skip a lot of songs when my itunes is on shuffle.

2010-09-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

the last time i heard this song... i was used to you just being across the country. 2,500 miles away. i am listening to it now, trying to figure out how to measure 6,000 miles in my mind. ha

i thought it was interesting

2010-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

my english professor had us do a freewrite exercise the other week. i'm sure you all know what that is. continuous writing. fragmented. relevant or irrelevant. just continuous, thoughtless (or thoughtful) writing. i have a paper due tomorrow and felt the first tensions of writing. i flipped to the back of my notebook to read that freewrite. to my surprise, my unconscious thoughts made some sense. here's how it reads:

it started with a glass of wine. you'd think it ended with a glass of wine. isn't wine better with age? no. it starts the destruction of me when i am young. his question. i could've said no and kept a sober mind for the next year, but i said yes. and that started 17. after falling, falling, falling, and after the trip i had, that he orchestrated, i didn't know a place that wasn't the bottom. then goodbye. the first of many. tears, airplane. london. LONDON. more glasses of wine. stuck. stuck. i was finally taking off. i was slowly getting up, i thought. more glasses of wine, and i'm down again. worse with age. i'm 18. take me home to feel the sunshine. the london fog cannot cloud my thoughts, anymore. goodbyes. no, see you laters. airplane. los angeles. home? yes, with a question mark. enough wine and you forget where you live. you forget that first glass and how you got started. it's may. it's clear. my mind is clear. and even clearer than that is The Good Guy. no more glasses of wine. no more talking about falling. no, failing. no more failing...

2010-09-04T02:00:00.000-07:00

i feel like i couldn't be happier. every day, i get closer and closer to the gospel. i stay in contact with my friends from svu and though they may be 500 miles or even 5,000 miles away from me, they constantly keep me in check and on track.

i've made a conscientious decision to be happy. and it may have taken a month to do, but i've really worked hard at it. it's not something that just happens. and for it to take just a month is actually a really amazing thing; it's not always that easy. but i've been reading the scriptures everyday, staying away from situations that lead to other things that i don't want to be in. there were times in my life where i was always at the wrong place, at the RIGHT time. just the right time to be doing what i didn't want to do. and in the moment i made these decisions, i thought i did want to be that person, but in hindsight, i recognize my denial and numbness to what i was doing to myself. why would i backtrack?

there are so many people i've known in the last 5 years to an entire lifetime, whom i love more than the world. but we're different people and i don't need to be drug down. i have a lot of time to fix things and help other people along the way. i choose not to hinder that by being or doing things that aren't me. there's not enough room in this world for judgmental tongues and minds. and if someone has the time to be close-minded, then i don't have the time for them.

so many of my friends are in really good places, now, too and i couldn't be more proud of them. the rub is that i'm constantly missing SOMEONE. just anyone. if i'm here, i miss everyone there. if i'm there, i miss everyone here. but the best ones have stuck and conquered the distance. i'm blessed to have these influences in my life. i'm blessed to have my family, to have met the people i have these last few years, and also to have an exemplary boyfriend who shows me what it is to be responsible, respectful, loyal, hardworking, confident, and happy. he, too, knows my past but has never once judged it and that has given me the motivation to change my future. that's the type of person i want to stay with.

let's just say... i'm entirely content with life right now.

okay

2010-08-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

what the heck is wrong with me tonight. why can't i just go on and read my book for the rest of the night, like i planned to? instead, i've refreshed every page for all my accounts, like as if he will suddenly appear and say hello.

i didn't even refresh pages when he was still home. seriously, what is wrong with me? and i've gone back to read our old messages. not like a whole session of just reading them one after the other, but i'll randomly just pick any message, read it, then move onto whatever else i was doing.

it's been 20 days. and i'm already acting cynical. all my friends better be telling the truth when they say that it gets easier.

sometimes

2010-08-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

i look down at my hands, i see the ring you gave me
i wonder what to hold next. you are my glove.

sometimes
i look into the mirror, i see the face you must've seen
i wonder why i didn't see it before. you are my glitter.

sometimes
i feel my sides get cold, i see the marks and burns left from our summer
i wonder when they'll fade away. you are my adventure.

sometimes
i feel the silence enfold me, i see that i'm alone
i wonder what you're thinking. you are my confidence.

sometimes
i stay awake, feeling empty
or fall asleep and wake up feeling emptier, i see that i'm still alone
i wonder when i won't feel that anymore.

last night

2010-08-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

i dreamt that i was dropped off at the airport. the first thing i did was put my luggage and my carry-on, on a cart so i could wheel it around with ease. in my dream, i brought my stuff to the terminal, didn't think twice, and left my things there to quickly use the restroom. when i came back out, i panicked, as my luggage was stolen, but not my carry-on item.

throughout my dream, i kept explaining to my concerned friends, family, and airport workers "i don't understand why they would take the bigger, more obvious luggage, when you'd think that my purse was holding everything important! you'd think they'd want to get away without hauling my huge suitcase" for some reason, in this dreamworld, my luggage was the one holding all my "important" items: my laptop, my cell phone, my wallet, credit cards, money, etc. and my purse was only holding my clothes. it was backwards, but that's how it went.

i've been thinking about this all day.
well, about my dream and about how dallen is getting set apart as i type this blog and i will not hear his voice for two years. i'm crumbling.

so i've noticed

2010-07-30T16:51:00.000-07:00

that i haven't been as hysterical as i thought i would be. i'm crying on and off, but nothing big. i know most of that is due to the fact that he's still here. he just happens to be vacationing with his family in montana. BUT. i've noticed that everytime i do begin to cry, i go to sleep. i've slept a lot. i'm going to guess that my skin is going to look amazing after these next two years, if i keep this up ;)

maybe

2010-07-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

maybe it'll hit me harder tomorrow. i can't believe it.

home disease

2010-07-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

what i don't like about being home... is flakey. people. the lack of attention or concern is contagious. i have zero priority when i'm home. i literally become like this cloud that just kind of floats around and doesn't care about anything. i care about my surroundings as much as they care about me. this is the worst attitude i can think of.

fall

2010-07-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

registered my classes for fall semester today. got all the ones i wanted. this means i have no classes on tuesday and thursday...and just one class on friday. nice doesn't begin to describe my schedule. but i've always been really lucky with my days off and such.

i'm taking italian 101. because i read EAT PRAY LOVE. just a third of the book made me seriously decide to learn italian. at least some. i took four years of French and don't know the language. and Spanish is always a language an Angeleno should know. i thought it was a happy medium. i'm excited!

2010-07-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

it's hard to breathe, sometimes, just thinking about all the things i'll have to do while hoping and praying that it'll lead us both back home to each other in a couple years. straying is not an option. it's especially confusing to be so happy about the whole thing. but so.... sad isn't the word. i'll just miss him. missing someone is a different form.

he's going to be stellar, though, and that makes me smile with more power than any frown my thoughts bring upon.

2010-07-09T15:08:00.001-07:00

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

William Somerset Maugham

2010-06-26T02:07:00.000-07:00

i can't even begin to describe what it's like, when every day that i wake up and know i get to see him, is another day i watch dreams come true right before my eyes. and not just my dream, but dreams even i had never thought possible to think up. maybe someone else's dreams. all of it, right before me.

click "empty trash"

2010-06-24T02:42:00.000-07:00

i've been erasing a lot of things in my life, questioning whether i actually deserve to call things my past or if i deserve to say i've matured since. i wonder if i deserve to pretend they never happened. not deny them, just never dust those pictures and bring them out. maybe delete any evidence. do i deserve to do that? i know i'm not going back.

2010-06-20T22:00:00.001-07:00

it isn't that he didn't want to
it was that he couldn't do
what was needed to protect her.

he hadn't the wings to let her under
or the lights to steal the thunder.

no vest to shield her heartache
no brace to hold up her head
just the phone calls that came with static
would have to suffice instead.

she had no place under his roof
his home was in the sky
his airplane chair was the only worry
he'd have to wish goodnight.

he was untouchable up there
not even the stars would dare outshine
but maybe he could take a break, and stop by here
even superheroes come down sometimes.

2010-06-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

i just get scared. how will i do when he's gone? i know what i will and will not do. but how hard is this going to hurt before it gets better? it's like medicine. good for you. tough to swallow.

2010-05-11T02:30:00.000-07:00

i am so extraordinarily lucky.
virginia was a blessing.

it gave me real friends. it helped me truly figure out my priorities. my first year of college, i thought my priority was me. "i'm an adult. i'm in college. i do what i want. it's my time. i don't need anyone. i am stronger for doing this alone. what i say, goes." you know what? it's always going to be your time. just because you're not married or have kids doesn't mean it's the only time you get to enjoy the most valuable things in life.

i don't take these things for granted anymore. where i live, the name of my school, money, the clothes i wear, all the alcohol to consume in the world, all the cigarettes to kill me -- none of that matters.

i'm insanely blessed. i never miss a family event, now that i'm home. if i'm about to lose someone from this world, i get to be around. i get to be around for the important chapters. i have an incredible boyfriend who lets me know that i deserve a lot. whom i can say, without hesitation, would do anything for me. and i wouldn't think twice about it. i wouldn't feel naive about it.

i am now in a love that is in an unconditional state.

i can put my make up on the shelf. i can forget about myself. and i no longer need to try to convince old friends that i care about them. they will never change. they will only ridicule. until they understand. and i'll be around when they do.

until then - stop feeling sorry for me.
i'm not sorry for anything.

je suis contente

2010-04-08T16:41:00.001-07:00

the sugar is all out. shows how much tea i've been drinking.
and i had to throw away two pens because they ran out of ink.

never come at me like i don't know what i'm doing.
midterm week is over, and don't i know it ;)

2010-04-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

light-hearted to angry
in .33 seconds.

2010-04-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

she looked up into her mother's eyes
and saw all the sadness she ever held, behind them.
those eyes that saw the everything of a lifetime.

and the lines around them traveled to her destinations.
the wrinkles,
she would squint when she cried and she would squint for laughter
and both routines
left the crow's feet.

the lines,
they traveled until years later,
they all met
and so did the lids of her eyes
to end the travels of lines.

2010-04-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

let there be catastrophic winds and clouds
it only means that tomorrow, everything will be clear

2010-03-28T14:03:00.001-07:00

I'd like to meet someone who always carries a highlighter in their purse/pocket. Not a pen. I think that's pretty symbolic...

:) a thought brought to you by myself; finding a highlighter in my pocket. i think i'll make it a habit rather than an event.

2010-03-23T23:42:00.000-07:00

Please finish your sentence
Because it helps me know that you're just like the rest of 'em
If you let me interrupt, you'd be even less than 'em
Just give me a boost, a higher up on the ladder out
Because once you're finished, I'll be gone without a doubt.

I've been hearing echoes for years
Each one always causing one or two tears,
but I'll forget it again.

I'll let you see the space you once filled percolate into the sea
Where you can be recycled into anything, without me.
It's refreshing, really. A nice surf into well-traveled waters,
I get the feeling you'll know all the places you're going
It's how you found me, just spread across the shore
The place you picked me up, you'll find that there are more
faces to please and faces to feed
all the lines that one usually sings to the sea.

There are plenty of me in the sea.

perpetua tua

2010-03-16T00:03:00.001-07:00

i swear on my life that i know. and that's worth sharing.